"Have you gotten off yet?"
"Nope."
"What the hell, really?"
"Yeah, I feel bad. We've done it probably 15-20 times and not once. But when she leaves I can go and get one on my own. I've even held out for the week prior trying to replenish my stores... But nothing."
"Maybe you could think of someone else while you are doing it?"
"That won't work because we both know the only person I would think about."
"Yeah and she has a boyfriend!"
"... Wow that's great, thanks."
"Oh shit, I'm sorry. Well maybe she'll get pregnant!"
"Are you fucking kidding me? How can you follow up that first comment with that second? You're an idiot!"
"Don't be mad, I'm pregnant."
"HAHA! yeah...."
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
And so he wrote...
"I don't get it. I don't understand how you get to go on in life like it never happened. 3 years no more than a hiccup to you. Out of sight out of mind I guess. Or maybe you knew what was happening and took preparations. Started seeking alliances, building support structures while I was flailing trying to figure out how I was going to live. Alone.
What I really don't understand is this: why were things just left with loose ends? I know you have started a new life with a new person. It means that your feelings for me are long gone, must have been gone during the time we were still together, still sharing the same bed every night (except the ones where I pissed you off so terribly you took to the couch). I know this as well because in less than 3 months you are in a relationship, exclusive(!), and have yet to contact me about anything.
Before parting YOU said we would still talk and eventually be friends. I didn't hear from you once on your own accord, only when I desperately reached out to you would you respond. You told me on more than two occasions we would discuss things, clarify what happened, and where things were going. Never happened, as you well know.... AND you even have the audacity to reveal very important information to me over text!
I do realize that you have technically done nothing wrong. But for a minute please just put yourself in my shoes. I don't have anyone: no roomates, no partner, only a few local friends, no school classes to meet people, a job that isolates me from my peers. I am the one who is unsure of what is going on. I am the one who has lost a best friend of 3 years and can't (nor do I want to) replace. I am the one who has turned to alcohol to numb everything. I can't even cry when I am hurting. I feel like an empty shell of a person I used to be.
It must also be said that I am disappointed in the way you used physical conditions to distance yourself from me. I have to assume now that you have lured another man into your life that these conditions have improved. It's that or they never existed in the first place. What am I to think? If only you would just speak to me for a mere 15 minutes and this horrid confusion would be alleviated. Please step out of your perfect life for a brief moment and just understand that someone you used to love and a person you considered marrying for a brief period of time is really struggling to live right now. I know its not comfortable or easy, but I do feel I am entitled to a little compassion.
It wasn't all bad."
The letter ended there. The EMT shook his head and pulled the black plastic sheet over the man's face. Third one this week.
What I really don't understand is this: why were things just left with loose ends? I know you have started a new life with a new person. It means that your feelings for me are long gone, must have been gone during the time we were still together, still sharing the same bed every night (except the ones where I pissed you off so terribly you took to the couch). I know this as well because in less than 3 months you are in a relationship, exclusive(!), and have yet to contact me about anything.
Before parting YOU said we would still talk and eventually be friends. I didn't hear from you once on your own accord, only when I desperately reached out to you would you respond. You told me on more than two occasions we would discuss things, clarify what happened, and where things were going. Never happened, as you well know.... AND you even have the audacity to reveal very important information to me over text!
I do realize that you have technically done nothing wrong. But for a minute please just put yourself in my shoes. I don't have anyone: no roomates, no partner, only a few local friends, no school classes to meet people, a job that isolates me from my peers. I am the one who is unsure of what is going on. I am the one who has lost a best friend of 3 years and can't (nor do I want to) replace. I am the one who has turned to alcohol to numb everything. I can't even cry when I am hurting. I feel like an empty shell of a person I used to be.
It must also be said that I am disappointed in the way you used physical conditions to distance yourself from me. I have to assume now that you have lured another man into your life that these conditions have improved. It's that or they never existed in the first place. What am I to think? If only you would just speak to me for a mere 15 minutes and this horrid confusion would be alleviated. Please step out of your perfect life for a brief moment and just understand that someone you used to love and a person you considered marrying for a brief period of time is really struggling to live right now. I know its not comfortable or easy, but I do feel I am entitled to a little compassion.
It wasn't all bad."
The letter ended there. The EMT shook his head and pulled the black plastic sheet over the man's face. Third one this week.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Monday, November 16, 2009
true story
I want to be in love again. I am going to save up as much money as I can for the next year and go on a road trip. When I find the love of my life I will stay there and figure the rest of my life out at that point. I hope it's a trailer park in Oklahoma.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Fuck talking to anyone, let alone strangers.
Board games give you false hopes for the real world. I say this because there is no way to win at life.
I used to be good at said game. I retired with millions of dollars, a wife and a truck load of offspring. But in this "real world" I am 24, single, living alone, and apparently couldn't get anyone in my 4 cylinder Honda if I paid them.
Regression aside, the argument is this:
Most people have shitty lives. Plain and simple. Teased in elementary school, sexual awkwardness of middle school, heart-breaking dumpings in high school (if one was "lucky" enough to be in a high school relationship). Lose your drunken virginity if you aren't assaulted in college. Maybe marry someone young. Have a shithead kid. Most likely end in divorce and pay child support for the rest of your pathetic life. Maybe remarry maybe not, but never find "true love" that's for goddamn sure. Then that little bastard of a kid puts you in an old folks home where they neglect you with your pants full of shit because you are too feeble to take care of yourself. You wish for death but fear it so you stay in a constant state of anguish, fear, and shit filled pants. Then you die. Innevitable.
Some have great lives. Make lots of money, marry his/her sweetheart. Travel the world. Have a couple of smart kids that do great things with their lives. Grow old in comfort, wealth and love. And die. See, that's the kicker in the "good life". Everything is so good you are tormented with having to leave it for the eternal sleep. When you have nothing, death is not so bad because you aren't really losing anything but life. No stuff, no friends, no relatives. Just your sorry excuse for a life. It's the richie rich's of the world that really have it bad. They have to say good-bye to so much.
Which brings me to my conclusion. Life is a fucking whore of a bitch who showed you a little bit of boob behind the chemistry building but never called you back. Life is the perfect high that you get that one time and can never repeat, but don't stop trying. Life is the 9-5, the daily commute, the cold dinners, the warm milk breakfasts, the slip and fall in the shower, the ingrown toe nail, the hairy fat gut at the beach, the pit stains in your shirts, the skid mark in your underpants, the reality that this is all there is.
And for some reason, I'm still here. I feel like I'm testing God to see how fucked up he really is. A staring contest. Come on, God, blink for Christ's sake.
Heres some lyrics for anyone who reads this to choke on (unless you are my sister)
"I came as ice, I came as a whore
I came as advice that came too short
I came as gold, I came as crap
I came clean and I came as a Rat
It takes a long time, but God dies too
But not before he'll stick it to you
Well I don't know, but I been told
You never die and you never grow old"
I used to be good at said game. I retired with millions of dollars, a wife and a truck load of offspring. But in this "real world" I am 24, single, living alone, and apparently couldn't get anyone in my 4 cylinder Honda if I paid them.
Regression aside, the argument is this:
Most people have shitty lives. Plain and simple. Teased in elementary school, sexual awkwardness of middle school, heart-breaking dumpings in high school (if one was "lucky" enough to be in a high school relationship). Lose your drunken virginity if you aren't assaulted in college. Maybe marry someone young. Have a shithead kid. Most likely end in divorce and pay child support for the rest of your pathetic life. Maybe remarry maybe not, but never find "true love" that's for goddamn sure. Then that little bastard of a kid puts you in an old folks home where they neglect you with your pants full of shit because you are too feeble to take care of yourself. You wish for death but fear it so you stay in a constant state of anguish, fear, and shit filled pants. Then you die. Innevitable.
Some have great lives. Make lots of money, marry his/her sweetheart. Travel the world. Have a couple of smart kids that do great things with their lives. Grow old in comfort, wealth and love. And die. See, that's the kicker in the "good life". Everything is so good you are tormented with having to leave it for the eternal sleep. When you have nothing, death is not so bad because you aren't really losing anything but life. No stuff, no friends, no relatives. Just your sorry excuse for a life. It's the richie rich's of the world that really have it bad. They have to say good-bye to so much.
Which brings me to my conclusion. Life is a fucking whore of a bitch who showed you a little bit of boob behind the chemistry building but never called you back. Life is the perfect high that you get that one time and can never repeat, but don't stop trying. Life is the 9-5, the daily commute, the cold dinners, the warm milk breakfasts, the slip and fall in the shower, the ingrown toe nail, the hairy fat gut at the beach, the pit stains in your shirts, the skid mark in your underpants, the reality that this is all there is.
And for some reason, I'm still here. I feel like I'm testing God to see how fucked up he really is. A staring contest. Come on, God, blink for Christ's sake.
Heres some lyrics for anyone who reads this to choke on (unless you are my sister)
"I came as ice, I came as a whore
I came as advice that came too short
I came as gold, I came as crap
I came clean and I came as a Rat
It takes a long time, but God dies too
But not before he'll stick it to you
Well I don't know, but I been told
You never die and you never grow old"
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Bloggings of a Man
There is a man. There are many of them, really, but this blog is about the man. The man is a normal man: mid-twenties, white, likes music, tries to read some but often falls asleep. He has always wanted to make a difference in the world, but then again, who doesn't?
Most days are the same. Get up early to go to work. The man works with children and, until today, has never really thought about what the difference is between working with different age groups. If one works with children he is helping the future to grow. His hard work and dedication is hopefully understood by the younguns and they grow to become productive members of society as adults, or even do great things with their lives. If he works with adults, his efforts are less noticed. It seems, to him, that working with adults (retail, food service, some sort of goods production or other service) is more mundane. Yes, it is necessary for these jobs to be carried out to sustain - for lack of a better word - everything, but it just seems so hollow. If one works with the elderly it is less of an investment in the future but a thank you for the past. The elderly have done great things, but humans in their selfish ways, are often hasty to brush them under the rug of the retirement "living community" and forget about them. The man ponders this and is satisfied with his decision to invest in the future.
It is odd then that the man feels so alone. He is surrounded by people all the time, but that doesn't fill that void that aches deep from within him. He goes home at night to his empty apartment, puts something in the microwave (leftovers or frozen somethings) and sits in front of a screen. He knows that man killed God. The proof is the internet. God no longer has the whole world in his hands, we have it at our fingertips. Despite the man's realization of all the power and knowledge beckoning to him like the fabled forbidden fruit he mindlessly rummages through the garbage dump of online personals databases. Pictures of past lovers, long lost friends; he finds anecdotes and quips about the day-to-day happenings of all these people he once knew. But he always finds his way back to one. Perhaps because he likes the torment of knowing every little detail of this person's life, a life that once was a part of his, but now he can find no evidence that he ever existed in her world.
He curses life and blames woman for his pain.
And yet, he writes his thoughts, his feelings, his inner secrets on this world wide web; millions of people have access to these deep dark places of his soul. The man could never express these feelings to another human being and yet he opens himself up to the entire world. He doesn't mind, however, he knows the vast majority will never stumble upon his tiny insignificant musings. Only one person he knows even reads what he writes but that is enough. He might reach millions someday, or through the course of his lifetime of work with others. That is insignificant. If he can reach just that one reader whom he truely loves then he has experienced success.
He sets his alarm, picks up the book he has been meaning to read, and falls asleep. Tomorrow is another day.
Most days are the same. Get up early to go to work. The man works with children and, until today, has never really thought about what the difference is between working with different age groups. If one works with children he is helping the future to grow. His hard work and dedication is hopefully understood by the younguns and they grow to become productive members of society as adults, or even do great things with their lives. If he works with adults, his efforts are less noticed. It seems, to him, that working with adults (retail, food service, some sort of goods production or other service) is more mundane. Yes, it is necessary for these jobs to be carried out to sustain - for lack of a better word - everything, but it just seems so hollow. If one works with the elderly it is less of an investment in the future but a thank you for the past. The elderly have done great things, but humans in their selfish ways, are often hasty to brush them under the rug of the retirement "living community" and forget about them. The man ponders this and is satisfied with his decision to invest in the future.
It is odd then that the man feels so alone. He is surrounded by people all the time, but that doesn't fill that void that aches deep from within him. He goes home at night to his empty apartment, puts something in the microwave (leftovers or frozen somethings) and sits in front of a screen. He knows that man killed God. The proof is the internet. God no longer has the whole world in his hands, we have it at our fingertips. Despite the man's realization of all the power and knowledge beckoning to him like the fabled forbidden fruit he mindlessly rummages through the garbage dump of online personals databases. Pictures of past lovers, long lost friends; he finds anecdotes and quips about the day-to-day happenings of all these people he once knew. But he always finds his way back to one. Perhaps because he likes the torment of knowing every little detail of this person's life, a life that once was a part of his, but now he can find no evidence that he ever existed in her world.
He curses life and blames woman for his pain.
And yet, he writes his thoughts, his feelings, his inner secrets on this world wide web; millions of people have access to these deep dark places of his soul. The man could never express these feelings to another human being and yet he opens himself up to the entire world. He doesn't mind, however, he knows the vast majority will never stumble upon his tiny insignificant musings. Only one person he knows even reads what he writes but that is enough. He might reach millions someday, or through the course of his lifetime of work with others. That is insignificant. If he can reach just that one reader whom he truely loves then he has experienced success.
He sets his alarm, picks up the book he has been meaning to read, and falls asleep. Tomorrow is another day.
Monday, October 12, 2009
IM LIVIN ALONE!
I have those famous words screamed by good ole Kevin McCallister replaying over and over in my head. At first it was exciting and a bit comical (as intended). But as the night takes its toll on my tired bones and my hungry belly grumbles for food not contained in this awesome new apartment my mind replays those words and I feel an overwhelming sadness. I "lurk" profiles and get upset. Everyone has their lives and who am I to expect them to wonder about me? I have been working so hard and it sucks. I just feel taken advantage of.
But then there is family. So much support even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes. And as those words continue to repeat I wonder how anyone could be driven to say such things about his family. I am goin through a lot right now, but nothing I can't handle. Plus I have such a great family. I don't know where I would be without them. I don't know what I would do if I lost one of them.
Here is a song (although not many songs are in my mind right now because my speakers still aren't hooked up):
"All because of you I haven't slept in so long
But when I do I dream of drowning in the ocean
Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down
I'll follow your voice, All you have to do is shout it out."
But then there is family. So much support even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes. And as those words continue to repeat I wonder how anyone could be driven to say such things about his family. I am goin through a lot right now, but nothing I can't handle. Plus I have such a great family. I don't know where I would be without them. I don't know what I would do if I lost one of them.
Here is a song (although not many songs are in my mind right now because my speakers still aren't hooked up):
"All because of you I haven't slept in so long
But when I do I dream of drowning in the ocean
Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down
I'll follow your voice, All you have to do is shout it out."
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