Erase every last memory of me. Click delete until there is no visual evidence that I was ever a part of your life. I have been replaced.
I keep telling myself I am ok with that. Hopefully I'll start to believe it.
You are still a part of me. Always will be. This discrepancy is what kills me. It is sucking every last drop of any possibility of happiness from me.
Is it so hard to pick up a fucking phone and dial my name?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Dreamin again
How come I am plagued with the dreams of you. It seems that you are doing so well, and even when I am sure the worst is behind me, you sneak up in the one place I had to myself.
You had your own place, were so successful, so happy. For some reason I came to your place of residence and got upset. I smashed three of your doors and the only thing you could say is that they cost over 200 bucks each. Reminds me of what we used to go through: me hurting and acting out of frustration, and your staying so cold and reminding me of the consequences. I just needed you to care. Hate and love are not opposites, love and indifference are. And you were so goddamn indifferent.
Good news is at the end of the dream the earth was pretty well destroyed and your home was turned into some kind of ancient ruin.
You are dead to me. Go rot.
You had your own place, were so successful, so happy. For some reason I came to your place of residence and got upset. I smashed three of your doors and the only thing you could say is that they cost over 200 bucks each. Reminds me of what we used to go through: me hurting and acting out of frustration, and your staying so cold and reminding me of the consequences. I just needed you to care. Hate and love are not opposites, love and indifference are. And you were so goddamn indifferent.
Good news is at the end of the dream the earth was pretty well destroyed and your home was turned into some kind of ancient ruin.
You are dead to me. Go rot.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Yeah that happened...
"Have you gotten off yet?"
"Nope."
"What the hell, really?"
"Yeah, I feel bad. We've done it probably 15-20 times and not once. But when she leaves I can go and get one on my own. I've even held out for the week prior trying to replenish my stores... But nothing."
"Maybe you could think of someone else while you are doing it?"
"That won't work because we both know the only person I would think about."
"Yeah and she has a boyfriend!"
"... Wow that's great, thanks."
"Oh shit, I'm sorry. Well maybe she'll get pregnant!"
"Are you fucking kidding me? How can you follow up that first comment with that second? You're an idiot!"
"Don't be mad, I'm pregnant."
"HAHA! yeah...."
"Nope."
"What the hell, really?"
"Yeah, I feel bad. We've done it probably 15-20 times and not once. But when she leaves I can go and get one on my own. I've even held out for the week prior trying to replenish my stores... But nothing."
"Maybe you could think of someone else while you are doing it?"
"That won't work because we both know the only person I would think about."
"Yeah and she has a boyfriend!"
"... Wow that's great, thanks."
"Oh shit, I'm sorry. Well maybe she'll get pregnant!"
"Are you fucking kidding me? How can you follow up that first comment with that second? You're an idiot!"
"Don't be mad, I'm pregnant."
"HAHA! yeah...."
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
And so he wrote...
"I don't get it. I don't understand how you get to go on in life like it never happened. 3 years no more than a hiccup to you. Out of sight out of mind I guess. Or maybe you knew what was happening and took preparations. Started seeking alliances, building support structures while I was flailing trying to figure out how I was going to live. Alone.
What I really don't understand is this: why were things just left with loose ends? I know you have started a new life with a new person. It means that your feelings for me are long gone, must have been gone during the time we were still together, still sharing the same bed every night (except the ones where I pissed you off so terribly you took to the couch). I know this as well because in less than 3 months you are in a relationship, exclusive(!), and have yet to contact me about anything.
Before parting YOU said we would still talk and eventually be friends. I didn't hear from you once on your own accord, only when I desperately reached out to you would you respond. You told me on more than two occasions we would discuss things, clarify what happened, and where things were going. Never happened, as you well know.... AND you even have the audacity to reveal very important information to me over text!
I do realize that you have technically done nothing wrong. But for a minute please just put yourself in my shoes. I don't have anyone: no roomates, no partner, only a few local friends, no school classes to meet people, a job that isolates me from my peers. I am the one who is unsure of what is going on. I am the one who has lost a best friend of 3 years and can't (nor do I want to) replace. I am the one who has turned to alcohol to numb everything. I can't even cry when I am hurting. I feel like an empty shell of a person I used to be.
It must also be said that I am disappointed in the way you used physical conditions to distance yourself from me. I have to assume now that you have lured another man into your life that these conditions have improved. It's that or they never existed in the first place. What am I to think? If only you would just speak to me for a mere 15 minutes and this horrid confusion would be alleviated. Please step out of your perfect life for a brief moment and just understand that someone you used to love and a person you considered marrying for a brief period of time is really struggling to live right now. I know its not comfortable or easy, but I do feel I am entitled to a little compassion.
It wasn't all bad."
The letter ended there. The EMT shook his head and pulled the black plastic sheet over the man's face. Third one this week.
What I really don't understand is this: why were things just left with loose ends? I know you have started a new life with a new person. It means that your feelings for me are long gone, must have been gone during the time we were still together, still sharing the same bed every night (except the ones where I pissed you off so terribly you took to the couch). I know this as well because in less than 3 months you are in a relationship, exclusive(!), and have yet to contact me about anything.
Before parting YOU said we would still talk and eventually be friends. I didn't hear from you once on your own accord, only when I desperately reached out to you would you respond. You told me on more than two occasions we would discuss things, clarify what happened, and where things were going. Never happened, as you well know.... AND you even have the audacity to reveal very important information to me over text!
I do realize that you have technically done nothing wrong. But for a minute please just put yourself in my shoes. I don't have anyone: no roomates, no partner, only a few local friends, no school classes to meet people, a job that isolates me from my peers. I am the one who is unsure of what is going on. I am the one who has lost a best friend of 3 years and can't (nor do I want to) replace. I am the one who has turned to alcohol to numb everything. I can't even cry when I am hurting. I feel like an empty shell of a person I used to be.
It must also be said that I am disappointed in the way you used physical conditions to distance yourself from me. I have to assume now that you have lured another man into your life that these conditions have improved. It's that or they never existed in the first place. What am I to think? If only you would just speak to me for a mere 15 minutes and this horrid confusion would be alleviated. Please step out of your perfect life for a brief moment and just understand that someone you used to love and a person you considered marrying for a brief period of time is really struggling to live right now. I know its not comfortable or easy, but I do feel I am entitled to a little compassion.
It wasn't all bad."
The letter ended there. The EMT shook his head and pulled the black plastic sheet over the man's face. Third one this week.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
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