Erase every last memory of me. Click delete until there is no visual evidence that I was ever a part of your life. I have been replaced.
I keep telling myself I am ok with that. Hopefully I'll start to believe it.
You are still a part of me. Always will be. This discrepancy is what kills me. It is sucking every last drop of any possibility of happiness from me.
Is it so hard to pick up a fucking phone and dial my name?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Dreamin again
How come I am plagued with the dreams of you. It seems that you are doing so well, and even when I am sure the worst is behind me, you sneak up in the one place I had to myself.
You had your own place, were so successful, so happy. For some reason I came to your place of residence and got upset. I smashed three of your doors and the only thing you could say is that they cost over 200 bucks each. Reminds me of what we used to go through: me hurting and acting out of frustration, and your staying so cold and reminding me of the consequences. I just needed you to care. Hate and love are not opposites, love and indifference are. And you were so goddamn indifferent.
Good news is at the end of the dream the earth was pretty well destroyed and your home was turned into some kind of ancient ruin.
You are dead to me. Go rot.
You had your own place, were so successful, so happy. For some reason I came to your place of residence and got upset. I smashed three of your doors and the only thing you could say is that they cost over 200 bucks each. Reminds me of what we used to go through: me hurting and acting out of frustration, and your staying so cold and reminding me of the consequences. I just needed you to care. Hate and love are not opposites, love and indifference are. And you were so goddamn indifferent.
Good news is at the end of the dream the earth was pretty well destroyed and your home was turned into some kind of ancient ruin.
You are dead to me. Go rot.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Yeah that happened...
"Have you gotten off yet?"
"Nope."
"What the hell, really?"
"Yeah, I feel bad. We've done it probably 15-20 times and not once. But when she leaves I can go and get one on my own. I've even held out for the week prior trying to replenish my stores... But nothing."
"Maybe you could think of someone else while you are doing it?"
"That won't work because we both know the only person I would think about."
"Yeah and she has a boyfriend!"
"... Wow that's great, thanks."
"Oh shit, I'm sorry. Well maybe she'll get pregnant!"
"Are you fucking kidding me? How can you follow up that first comment with that second? You're an idiot!"
"Don't be mad, I'm pregnant."
"HAHA! yeah...."
"Nope."
"What the hell, really?"
"Yeah, I feel bad. We've done it probably 15-20 times and not once. But when she leaves I can go and get one on my own. I've even held out for the week prior trying to replenish my stores... But nothing."
"Maybe you could think of someone else while you are doing it?"
"That won't work because we both know the only person I would think about."
"Yeah and she has a boyfriend!"
"... Wow that's great, thanks."
"Oh shit, I'm sorry. Well maybe she'll get pregnant!"
"Are you fucking kidding me? How can you follow up that first comment with that second? You're an idiot!"
"Don't be mad, I'm pregnant."
"HAHA! yeah...."
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
And so he wrote...
"I don't get it. I don't understand how you get to go on in life like it never happened. 3 years no more than a hiccup to you. Out of sight out of mind I guess. Or maybe you knew what was happening and took preparations. Started seeking alliances, building support structures while I was flailing trying to figure out how I was going to live. Alone.
What I really don't understand is this: why were things just left with loose ends? I know you have started a new life with a new person. It means that your feelings for me are long gone, must have been gone during the time we were still together, still sharing the same bed every night (except the ones where I pissed you off so terribly you took to the couch). I know this as well because in less than 3 months you are in a relationship, exclusive(!), and have yet to contact me about anything.
Before parting YOU said we would still talk and eventually be friends. I didn't hear from you once on your own accord, only when I desperately reached out to you would you respond. You told me on more than two occasions we would discuss things, clarify what happened, and where things were going. Never happened, as you well know.... AND you even have the audacity to reveal very important information to me over text!
I do realize that you have technically done nothing wrong. But for a minute please just put yourself in my shoes. I don't have anyone: no roomates, no partner, only a few local friends, no school classes to meet people, a job that isolates me from my peers. I am the one who is unsure of what is going on. I am the one who has lost a best friend of 3 years and can't (nor do I want to) replace. I am the one who has turned to alcohol to numb everything. I can't even cry when I am hurting. I feel like an empty shell of a person I used to be.
It must also be said that I am disappointed in the way you used physical conditions to distance yourself from me. I have to assume now that you have lured another man into your life that these conditions have improved. It's that or they never existed in the first place. What am I to think? If only you would just speak to me for a mere 15 minutes and this horrid confusion would be alleviated. Please step out of your perfect life for a brief moment and just understand that someone you used to love and a person you considered marrying for a brief period of time is really struggling to live right now. I know its not comfortable or easy, but I do feel I am entitled to a little compassion.
It wasn't all bad."
The letter ended there. The EMT shook his head and pulled the black plastic sheet over the man's face. Third one this week.
What I really don't understand is this: why were things just left with loose ends? I know you have started a new life with a new person. It means that your feelings for me are long gone, must have been gone during the time we were still together, still sharing the same bed every night (except the ones where I pissed you off so terribly you took to the couch). I know this as well because in less than 3 months you are in a relationship, exclusive(!), and have yet to contact me about anything.
Before parting YOU said we would still talk and eventually be friends. I didn't hear from you once on your own accord, only when I desperately reached out to you would you respond. You told me on more than two occasions we would discuss things, clarify what happened, and where things were going. Never happened, as you well know.... AND you even have the audacity to reveal very important information to me over text!
I do realize that you have technically done nothing wrong. But for a minute please just put yourself in my shoes. I don't have anyone: no roomates, no partner, only a few local friends, no school classes to meet people, a job that isolates me from my peers. I am the one who is unsure of what is going on. I am the one who has lost a best friend of 3 years and can't (nor do I want to) replace. I am the one who has turned to alcohol to numb everything. I can't even cry when I am hurting. I feel like an empty shell of a person I used to be.
It must also be said that I am disappointed in the way you used physical conditions to distance yourself from me. I have to assume now that you have lured another man into your life that these conditions have improved. It's that or they never existed in the first place. What am I to think? If only you would just speak to me for a mere 15 minutes and this horrid confusion would be alleviated. Please step out of your perfect life for a brief moment and just understand that someone you used to love and a person you considered marrying for a brief period of time is really struggling to live right now. I know its not comfortable or easy, but I do feel I am entitled to a little compassion.
It wasn't all bad."
The letter ended there. The EMT shook his head and pulled the black plastic sheet over the man's face. Third one this week.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Monday, November 16, 2009
true story
I want to be in love again. I am going to save up as much money as I can for the next year and go on a road trip. When I find the love of my life I will stay there and figure the rest of my life out at that point. I hope it's a trailer park in Oklahoma.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Fuck talking to anyone, let alone strangers.
Board games give you false hopes for the real world. I say this because there is no way to win at life.
I used to be good at said game. I retired with millions of dollars, a wife and a truck load of offspring. But in this "real world" I am 24, single, living alone, and apparently couldn't get anyone in my 4 cylinder Honda if I paid them.
Regression aside, the argument is this:
Most people have shitty lives. Plain and simple. Teased in elementary school, sexual awkwardness of middle school, heart-breaking dumpings in high school (if one was "lucky" enough to be in a high school relationship). Lose your drunken virginity if you aren't assaulted in college. Maybe marry someone young. Have a shithead kid. Most likely end in divorce and pay child support for the rest of your pathetic life. Maybe remarry maybe not, but never find "true love" that's for goddamn sure. Then that little bastard of a kid puts you in an old folks home where they neglect you with your pants full of shit because you are too feeble to take care of yourself. You wish for death but fear it so you stay in a constant state of anguish, fear, and shit filled pants. Then you die. Innevitable.
Some have great lives. Make lots of money, marry his/her sweetheart. Travel the world. Have a couple of smart kids that do great things with their lives. Grow old in comfort, wealth and love. And die. See, that's the kicker in the "good life". Everything is so good you are tormented with having to leave it for the eternal sleep. When you have nothing, death is not so bad because you aren't really losing anything but life. No stuff, no friends, no relatives. Just your sorry excuse for a life. It's the richie rich's of the world that really have it bad. They have to say good-bye to so much.
Which brings me to my conclusion. Life is a fucking whore of a bitch who showed you a little bit of boob behind the chemistry building but never called you back. Life is the perfect high that you get that one time and can never repeat, but don't stop trying. Life is the 9-5, the daily commute, the cold dinners, the warm milk breakfasts, the slip and fall in the shower, the ingrown toe nail, the hairy fat gut at the beach, the pit stains in your shirts, the skid mark in your underpants, the reality that this is all there is.
And for some reason, I'm still here. I feel like I'm testing God to see how fucked up he really is. A staring contest. Come on, God, blink for Christ's sake.
Heres some lyrics for anyone who reads this to choke on (unless you are my sister)
"I came as ice, I came as a whore
I came as advice that came too short
I came as gold, I came as crap
I came clean and I came as a Rat
It takes a long time, but God dies too
But not before he'll stick it to you
Well I don't know, but I been told
You never die and you never grow old"
I used to be good at said game. I retired with millions of dollars, a wife and a truck load of offspring. But in this "real world" I am 24, single, living alone, and apparently couldn't get anyone in my 4 cylinder Honda if I paid them.
Regression aside, the argument is this:
Most people have shitty lives. Plain and simple. Teased in elementary school, sexual awkwardness of middle school, heart-breaking dumpings in high school (if one was "lucky" enough to be in a high school relationship). Lose your drunken virginity if you aren't assaulted in college. Maybe marry someone young. Have a shithead kid. Most likely end in divorce and pay child support for the rest of your pathetic life. Maybe remarry maybe not, but never find "true love" that's for goddamn sure. Then that little bastard of a kid puts you in an old folks home where they neglect you with your pants full of shit because you are too feeble to take care of yourself. You wish for death but fear it so you stay in a constant state of anguish, fear, and shit filled pants. Then you die. Innevitable.
Some have great lives. Make lots of money, marry his/her sweetheart. Travel the world. Have a couple of smart kids that do great things with their lives. Grow old in comfort, wealth and love. And die. See, that's the kicker in the "good life". Everything is so good you are tormented with having to leave it for the eternal sleep. When you have nothing, death is not so bad because you aren't really losing anything but life. No stuff, no friends, no relatives. Just your sorry excuse for a life. It's the richie rich's of the world that really have it bad. They have to say good-bye to so much.
Which brings me to my conclusion. Life is a fucking whore of a bitch who showed you a little bit of boob behind the chemistry building but never called you back. Life is the perfect high that you get that one time and can never repeat, but don't stop trying. Life is the 9-5, the daily commute, the cold dinners, the warm milk breakfasts, the slip and fall in the shower, the ingrown toe nail, the hairy fat gut at the beach, the pit stains in your shirts, the skid mark in your underpants, the reality that this is all there is.
And for some reason, I'm still here. I feel like I'm testing God to see how fucked up he really is. A staring contest. Come on, God, blink for Christ's sake.
Heres some lyrics for anyone who reads this to choke on (unless you are my sister)
"I came as ice, I came as a whore
I came as advice that came too short
I came as gold, I came as crap
I came clean and I came as a Rat
It takes a long time, but God dies too
But not before he'll stick it to you
Well I don't know, but I been told
You never die and you never grow old"
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